I feel like I must rant and rave a little bit...so please read on if you are interested. :/
I feel like my heart strings are being pulled literally into several directions and my heart is wrenching! It's everything all at once and I can't seem to escape it. :( It has COMPLETELY affected the way I sleep. For the past couple of months I have been going to bed off and on late. Well recently, I've been getting to bed at like 2 in the MORNING! My eyes are heavy and I am obviously tired...I just CAN'T sleep. Insomnia GO away! :( Well, Andrew asked me this morning why I haven't been going to bed with him and I FEEL so bad because it's not his fault...It's the fact that insomnia sucks! He has offered to take me to the store and buy these vitamins my dad takes to help relax him and help his mind prepare for sleep. I have taken 3 days worth in the past and it does work. They are so expensive at the store though! Like close to 10-15 bucks each. Oh the horror. I have to do something about it. I don't want to take sleeping pills because I don't want to feel like I need them. I believe in vitamins more than I believe in narcotics. :) I know Andrew misses me going to bed with him.
Why can't I sleep you may ask?
Well, first, I naturally have a lot on my mind already (I'm a woman); however, recently especially my anxiety has increased a few notches and my mind is speeding up. When I try to go to bed, I find myself tossing and turning and laying their awake with my eyes heavy and it's such a contradiction. I get up because it's not fair to Andrew seeing that he has to work every day and waking up early is a requirement.
I've been keeping my thoughts centered on the Savior at least I have been trying to. Constantly recently, I have been finding myself thinking WWJD? My life recently has taken a huge step that I never saw myself facing but the Lord has inspired me to do so and Our Father in Heaven speaks louder than I do. Seriously. His prompting was like, "sit. be quiet. and listen." He did it ever so lovingly. I realized that I have been living my life in fear rather than in hope and it needed to change. I have recently had to face my demons head on and it is very tiring. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. Of course some good has come out of the steps forward I have taken...it's although, taken a toll on me. I thank Heavenly Father that Andrew is so busy with work, school, and his callings right now because I've been able to have some space to accomplish my tasks and promptings at hand with success. I am thankful despite how busy Andrew is that he has been a major support to me and that he has continued to shed forth patience, trying to have understanding though he mostly can't understand, love, compassion and a shoulder to lean on and sob. He is amazing! I have amazing men in my life and Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and Andrew are a few of them. :)
Despite my feeling of needing to reboot....
I have NOT been alone in this journey so far nor have I ever been alone. I have always had angels around me and some of them have become good friends of mine and people I am able to trust. :) Trust. It's a funny little word. However, YES for those of you that know me well...it was always hard to trust for me and I am learning to trust. I am amazed at the progress I am making. Only positive can come from it. I know without a doubt that our Loving Heavenly Father is ALWAYS REGARDLESS near and He is only a question or a thought away. He hears us. He KNOWS us individually. The recognition of all these wonderful recollections of the blessings in my life and in the lives of the people I love and care about have never become so apparent as it has recently. My testimony has been strengthened and despite my never ending mistake making I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and those Holy Angels are all around me and though I am feeling weary and sort of faint from the situations that have surfaced...I know without a shed of doubt that I am safe. I am loved. I am cared for. I am NOT alone. I am listened too. I am smiled at. I am special to my Heavenly Father whom has a very special plan for me.
With all this being said...
I know the weariness, faintness, misunderstandings, anger, sadness, overload of emotions and thoughts will come to pass and I will be strengthened and forever changed in a positive way. I know without a doubt that I am doing what the Lord wants me too otherwise steps wouldn't have been taken. Though I find myself making some of the same sins again, I learn each time and I am strengthened and forgiven once more because Heavenly Father knows my heart better than anyone else and He knows I will not give up on Him nor on His plan. He knows that I have weaknesses and I am still learning. I am thankful for Him and for His son Jesus Christ. I am thankful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and how I have with the help and encouragement of Heavenly Father allowed it to enrich my life even to this very second.
Though malfunctioning will be easier than these heart wrenching experiences I face this day; I know that I must be a pioneer and take the handcart in my own hands and climb forward. I must make the difference and provide a better and positive future for myself and my future family. I must hold on and press forward as this all shall come to pass.
Thank you for reading. I feel rejuvenated. :) I know our loving perfect Heavenly Father and His beloved Son Jesus Christ loves us with a perfect love we can't muster quite yet. I know He knows each and every one of us perfectly than we know ourselves. I know He has a plan for us and that He does care. I know he listens and answers. We must prepare ourselves to receive answers and we must chasten ourselves. My goal is to lead a righteous life as Christ lived when He walked the earth and as He continued to love us and fight for us when we petition in prayer.
With this being said, I feel much better and lighter on my feet. I know the plan of Heavenly Father will come to pass and soon we will meet our maker. I look forward to it and I know I must prepare and mend my ways.
HOPEFULLY, I will start getting better sleep and start going to bed at a decent hour. Hopefully, those vitamins will work and I thought of something! I am going to ask Andrew for a blessing when he gets home. :)
I love my readers and appreciate you stopping by. Thank you!
-A&G
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